Happy Birthday to me....-.-

In a half an hour almost it will be my birthday, hooray lmao. So... happy, not.
I'm really not looking forward to being 22, oh god. But some new challenges for me for my twenty-second year,
1. Earn some good money, doing whatever I have to, to achieve that goal.
2. Get a man... a good man.
3. Go on more trips with my friends.
4. Start the healing process, my heart is too fucked up...
5. Get my tattoo

That's just a few goals for this year...
I hope this year is better than my last. I ReALLLY hope so.
Later my darlings.


Birthday... too soon

Next week is my birthday, it felt like it came way too quickly this year. I mean... twenty-one just flew by. I want to be stuck at twenty one forever. Ugh lol. How I was the stories I read are true, immortality, a lifetime to do things with your life no regrets, instead of thinking of your life like a ticking timebomb. I hate that. I'm almost twenty-two and it makes me feel like forty will be here as quick as twenty-two did.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday as you can obviously conclude by the tone of this blog. But Its not just because of the aging process, (oh how I dread it) But its mostly because of ces... And how he will be married soon. and I feel like I'm losing grip of reality. I'm losing him, I've lost him, I want him back... but I can't.
Have you ever loved someone, that teases you sexually. You gave him your virginity or something as equally precious to you, someone that promises you not one tear or heartache, but gives you a thousand times the hurt that you've ever experienced. Not even the pain I go through feels this bad. He makes me happy, but makes me cry. He promised not to hurt me... he promised. I know you shouldnt take what men say to literally, but I shared everything with him. He wants to be my friend and I want him as a friend and more but I fear once he marries this woman... I'll lose him forever. I fear that he'll tell me I think we should stop talking, I think you should stop calling me baby, daddy, and all my other pet names for him. I think he'll let me down to the point where I'll be stupid. I've been fearing this for a long time. I've been heartbroken for over a year... and In march that will make TWO years. TWO years since he met her and told me... "Listen, Ive met someone. Her name is Carla, are you ok?" I remember those few words so well because that night all hell broke lose and I ended up in the hospital in the psychiatric unit. Now... if that happened, just because he told me he met someone, I dont want to think about what i'll do when he tells me or when i find out that they have tied the knot. Or when I've seen the pictures on his myspace or facebook.

I want to know what I did wrong, did I say something wrong did I do something wrong. Did i talk to much or too little, did I not tell him I needed him when he came to town. Did I react to impulsively. Did I not be who he wanted. Was I not pretty enough? Maybe thats it, I mean shes pretty, I dont feel pretty. People tell me Oh your beautiful any man would be a fool not to want you, if I'm so beautiful and if every man should want me... why doesnt he? I'm not pretty, I feel pathetic. I feel weak, he says I am but as a joke. But I feel it. All I know is that... my one birthday and holiday wish, if I could have ANYTHING in this world, anything at all. MY wish would be... him, for him to love me the way he loves her. I just want someone to LOVE me for ONCE.... Just once in my life I dont want to be the one crying over someone, I dont want to be the one that falls for that person first, I dont want to fall so hard and so deep that I cant get out of it. And thats how it is with him... I've fallen so hard... I've crashed & burned. I pray to God for help and guidance, but... all there is, is a numb shell, a broken heart & soul. Drugs numb the pain, alcohol makes a smile come to my face... I need substances just to keep me alive, SERIOUSLY how pathetic is that.

And I know someone will say You have to get over him hes no good for you bla bla... He's the only man that ever actually cared for him, and maybe it was fake maybe he never really cared about me at all. But for those five years... he made me feel like it was real. And now he'll have her for those years and... Wow... Ok.. enough babbling. I'm crying now ughhhh.
I hate my birthday ha....

Love you guys

Im on VACA...

Hey my lovelys Ive been on vacation for about a week now. I come back on Tuesday.
I hope everyone's thanksgiving was nice, ^.^
I was in florida for thanksgiving, then I went to Nassau Bahamas, then Freeport Bahamas.
I've been on Carnival Dream cruise ship, it's ok. Not that great, but it's ok.
The Bahamas was alright, Antigua is better. Lol. Sorry but it is, nicer people in Antigua, and the beaches are better in antigua as well. In the Bahamas it's way too westernized. The Atlantis hotel is a sight to see though, the architecture is amazing and the aquarium, but other than that its not that great.
The spas on the ship are really nice, hmmm whatelse...
The food sucks, lol its mediocre. The food used to be better. Over all I think Royal Caribbean ships are better.
I tried to see if I could upload any photos, Its not working. SO when I get back I'll post a bunch for you guys. See you guys next week. KIssses my lovelys. lol.

New Youtube Account?

Hey guys, yea thats right... I might be creating a new youtube account.
The reasons as to why I shall explain...
On my last youtube video I put up a song by Kaskade. If you guys watch alot of videos on youtube, then you have watched michelle. And she ALWAYS has music in her videos, especially Kaskade and other electronic type artists. So... in one or two videos of hers she has Kaskade's -4 a.m. That song and Imagination are the songs I used on my page, all of a sudden youtube has a problem... wth? So I dont know whats up with that, I'm actually mad because michelle can put whatever songs she wants on her videos but everyone else can't wtf is that youtube??? Ugh... whatever

So since youtube always complains about my music on my videos, i decided to start over with a new account and I'll be putting up some of my old videos that are on my current account. SO I'll be doing an offical video explaining all of this, hopefully all my subbers will just hop on over to my new place. lol

I'm going on a cruise with my mummy, I'll be doing a daily look for you guys so this will be the perfect time for all of this.

Finally a new post in like FOREVERRRR. lolol. YAY, I'll try my best to update you guys.

Style Black Obsession

Hi my lovelys,
My collection has arrived... *the angels sing*
I am in lo
ve...lust and everything else a person could possibly feel in terms of adoration for this collection. I love HK (hello kitty) but this is pretty cool as well.

Volcanic Ash Exfoliator **
Volcanic Ash Thermal Mask*
Nail Polishes- Nocturnelle, Baby Goth Girl**
, Seriously Hip**
Black Knight Lipstick*
Midnight Media Mattene

Night Violet Mattene*
Young Punk*
Gilt By Association
Blue Flame*
214 brus
Penultimate Liner**
Greasepaint stick (black)*
Smolder liner
Glimmergloss: Blackware*, Bling Black, Blackfire*
(items with {*} are items I purchased. Items with {**} are items I want)

Right now I'm ordering Seriously hip nail lacquer along with some of the other things, but I'm still waiting for the exfoliator to come back and baby goth girl nail lacquer. I'm also getting some dazzlecremes they are sooo pretty. I love Creme Allure.
It's been awhile since I did a blog post, I should try to do these more often...lets see how long it lasts lol.
Muahs my lovelys.
*double xoxo*

R.I.P. Michael Jackson : Short tribute on my blog

I'm still shocked. Michael was an idol, my idol and many of my friends would say the same thing. He will be missed tremendously.
I found out when it was still speculation, my mum and I was listening on 1010wins, and they said TMZ reported that he was dead first. He basically had cardiac arrest, then they claimed he was in a coma, then they confirmed his passing.
He was... Michael, I mean what can you say. All these wannabe new comers, want to be him, and we're inspired by him, but they can never be Michael. He was our modern day Hendrix for the pop world.
Life is so short... you never know. You have to live each day as your last. And people need to stop hurting people and just appreciate one another, no one knows when our time will come. In the end, money and fame and all of that doesn't matter.
I know I will miss him, and I know many others will as well. May his soul rest in peace.
Rest In eternal Peace Michael...
R.I.P. Farrah Fawcet...
(They are so chillin' in Heaven right now)
xoxo Amelia

Only me...

Hey guys, I made a couple of beauty videos today, but my mac is acting weird. Photobooth is not recording my voice, and I can't do a voice over because imovie won't accept the video. Ugh. annoying. But that is that. 
I need to address a matter because I dont think people comprehend or they dont want to understand, I dont know. But when I am angry or put into a compromising situation I get mad, livid, BEYOND pissed. And I vent. I am a writer, so the way I obviously vent out my emotions is by writing. I can't tell you how many journals I keep, and why I have blogs. I hate the fact that yea a bunch of people I don't know reads them. But I just love writing, and I like html and all of that. So I figure why not. Now... for the past year I have gone through.... alot of pain and emotional dysfunction. That's putting it mildly. When I vent out my emotions I write alot of stuff, I curse alot. But then I think about the situation and you know what I move on. Sometimes, especially one particular incident, I may and did forget the comment I placed upon a certain area. And I dont judge people, I try my best not to. But when someone pushes something in my face, especially shit I dont like, I will react in a bitchy way. I may be skinny but dont fuck with me. but honesty I may forget about these comments and a year later I am repremanded for them. But I in no way mean harm. Im not that type of person. But seriously, people have called me much MUCH worse, I have been called a slut bitch whore etc etc etc. The list goes on. And for me to just say I fucking hate someone, and get repremanded the way I was, is not fair. I don't think thats write. I say my sorries, and I truly mean them. But I get attacked, for an opinion I had a year ago, and all I say is that I hate the person... and then at the end I say I wanted to off myself. I dont get it. Maybe its just me. It's not important anyway, nothing I ever think or say is important. 

Anyway, I spoke to A.H. tonight, hes so sweet. He's the sweetest guy I ever met, seriously.  He's doesnt have all the bullshit, he doesnt have to prove himself. He's just real. And he doent promise things he cant keep. I told him not to say that he wont hurt me. I can't take another man saying, "I wont hurt you", because they always do. He's coming back in the city next week, I cant wait to see him. I only date older men like I said before. so he's significantly older than me, he's 34. Which isn't bad. ces is 32, ten years older than me. So A.H. is twelve years older, and he doesnt care about the whole age shit. I love that. I mean age is nothing but a number and anyone that focuses on that instead of the person, or focuses on distance instead of the person, is just looking for excuses. He's very supportive, thus far. we'll see how it goes. 
Well that's it my lovelys, ttyl . PEACE. ^.^