Happy Birthday to me....-.-

In a half an hour almost it will be my birthday, hooray lmao. So... happy, not.
I'm really not looking forward to being 22, oh god. But some new challenges for me for my twenty-second year,
1. Earn some good money, doing whatever I have to, to achieve that goal.
2. Get a man... a good man.
3. Go on more trips with my friends.
4. Start the healing process, my heart is too fucked up...
5. Get my tattoo

That's just a few goals for this year...
I hope this year is better than my last. I ReALLLY hope so.
Later my darlings.


Birthday... too soon

Next week is my birthday, it felt like it came way too quickly this year. I mean... twenty-one just flew by. I want to be stuck at twenty one forever. Ugh lol. How I was the stories I read are true, immortality, a lifetime to do things with your life no regrets, instead of thinking of your life like a ticking timebomb. I hate that. I'm almost twenty-two and it makes me feel like forty will be here as quick as twenty-two did.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday as you can obviously conclude by the tone of this blog. But Its not just because of the aging process, (oh how I dread it) But its mostly because of ces... And how he will be married soon. and I feel like I'm losing grip of reality. I'm losing him, I've lost him, I want him back... but I can't.
Have you ever loved someone, that teases you sexually. You gave him your virginity or something as equally precious to you, someone that promises you not one tear or heartache, but gives you a thousand times the hurt that you've ever experienced. Not even the pain I go through feels this bad. He makes me happy, but makes me cry. He promised not to hurt me... he promised. I know you shouldnt take what men say to literally, but I shared everything with him. He wants to be my friend and I want him as a friend and more but I fear once he marries this woman... I'll lose him forever. I fear that he'll tell me I think we should stop talking, I think you should stop calling me baby, daddy, and all my other pet names for him. I think he'll let me down to the point where I'll be stupid. I've been fearing this for a long time. I've been heartbroken for over a year... and In march that will make TWO years. TWO years since he met her and told me... "Listen, Ive met someone. Her name is Carla, are you ok?" I remember those few words so well because that night all hell broke lose and I ended up in the hospital in the psychiatric unit. Now... if that happened, just because he told me he met someone, I dont want to think about what i'll do when he tells me or when i find out that they have tied the knot. Or when I've seen the pictures on his myspace or facebook.

I want to know what I did wrong, did I say something wrong did I do something wrong. Did i talk to much or too little, did I not tell him I needed him when he came to town. Did I react to impulsively. Did I not be who he wanted. Was I not pretty enough? Maybe thats it, I mean shes pretty, I dont feel pretty. People tell me Oh your beautiful any man would be a fool not to want you, if I'm so beautiful and if every man should want me... why doesnt he? I'm not pretty, I feel pathetic. I feel weak, he says I am but as a joke. But I feel it. All I know is that... my one birthday and holiday wish, if I could have ANYTHING in this world, anything at all. MY wish would be... him, for him to love me the way he loves her. I just want someone to LOVE me for ONCE.... Just once in my life I dont want to be the one crying over someone, I dont want to be the one that falls for that person first, I dont want to fall so hard and so deep that I cant get out of it. And thats how it is with him... I've fallen so hard... I've crashed & burned. I pray to God for help and guidance, but... all there is, is a numb shell, a broken heart & soul. Drugs numb the pain, alcohol makes a smile come to my face... I need substances just to keep me alive, SERIOUSLY how pathetic is that.

And I know someone will say You have to get over him hes no good for you bla bla... He's the only man that ever actually cared for him, and maybe it was fake maybe he never really cared about me at all. But for those five years... he made me feel like it was real. And now he'll have her for those years and... Wow... Ok.. enough babbling. I'm crying now ughhhh.
I hate my birthday ha....

Love you guys