Next week is my birthday, it felt like it came way too quickly this year. I mean... twenty-one just flew by. I want to be stuck at twenty one forever. Ugh lol. How I was the stories I read are true, immortality, a lifetime to do things with your life no regrets, instead of thinking of your life like a ticking timebomb. I hate that. I'm almost twenty-two and it makes me feel like forty will be here as quick as twenty-two did.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday as you can obviously conclude by the tone of this blog. But Its not just because of the aging process, (oh how I dread it) But its mostly because of ces... And how he will be married soon. and I feel like I'm losing grip of reality. I'm losing him, I've lost him, I want him back... but I can't.
Have you ever loved someone, that teases you sexually. You gave him your virginity or something as equally precious to you, someone that promises you not one tear or heartache, but gives you a thousand times the hurt that you've ever experienced. Not even the pain I go through feels this bad. He makes me happy, but makes me cry. He promised not to hurt me... he promised. I know you shouldnt take what men say to literally, but I shared everything with him. He wants to be my friend and I want him as a friend and more but I fear once he marries this woman... I'll lose him forever. I fear that he'll tell me I think we should stop talking, I think you should stop calling me baby, daddy, and all my other pet names for him. I think he'll let me down to the point where I'll be stupid. I've been fearing this for a long time. I've been heartbroken for over a year... and In march that will make TWO years. TWO years since he met her and told me... "Listen, Ive met someone. Her name is Carla, are you ok?" I remember those few words so well because that night all hell broke lose and I ended up in the hospital in the psychiatric unit. Now... if that happened, just because he told me he met someone, I dont want to think about what i'll do when he tells me or when i find out that they have tied the knot. Or when I've seen the pictures on his myspace or facebook.
I hate my birthday ha....
Love you guys