Birthday... too soon

Next week is my birthday, it felt like it came way too quickly this year. I mean... twenty-one just flew by. I want to be stuck at twenty one forever. Ugh lol. How I was the stories I read are true, immortality, a lifetime to do things with your life no regrets, instead of thinking of your life like a ticking timebomb. I hate that. I'm almost twenty-two and it makes me feel like forty will be here as quick as twenty-two did.
I'm not looking forward to my birthday as you can obviously conclude by the tone of this blog. But Its not just because of the aging process, (oh how I dread it) But its mostly because of ces... And how he will be married soon. and I feel like I'm losing grip of reality. I'm losing him, I've lost him, I want him back... but I can't.
Have you ever loved someone, that teases you sexually. You gave him your virginity or something as equally precious to you, someone that promises you not one tear or heartache, but gives you a thousand times the hurt that you've ever experienced. Not even the pain I go through feels this bad. He makes me happy, but makes me cry. He promised not to hurt me... he promised. I know you shouldnt take what men say to literally, but I shared everything with him. He wants to be my friend and I want him as a friend and more but I fear once he marries this woman... I'll lose him forever. I fear that he'll tell me I think we should stop talking, I think you should stop calling me baby, daddy, and all my other pet names for him. I think he'll let me down to the point where I'll be stupid. I've been fearing this for a long time. I've been heartbroken for over a year... and In march that will make TWO years. TWO years since he met her and told me... "Listen, Ive met someone. Her name is Carla, are you ok?" I remember those few words so well because that night all hell broke lose and I ended up in the hospital in the psychiatric unit. Now... if that happened, just because he told me he met someone, I dont want to think about what i'll do when he tells me or when i find out that they have tied the knot. Or when I've seen the pictures on his myspace or facebook.

I want to know what I did wrong, did I say something wrong did I do something wrong. Did i talk to much or too little, did I not tell him I needed him when he came to town. Did I react to impulsively. Did I not be who he wanted. Was I not pretty enough? Maybe thats it, I mean shes pretty, I dont feel pretty. People tell me Oh your beautiful any man would be a fool not to want you, if I'm so beautiful and if every man should want me... why doesnt he? I'm not pretty, I feel pathetic. I feel weak, he says I am but as a joke. But I feel it. All I know is that... my one birthday and holiday wish, if I could have ANYTHING in this world, anything at all. MY wish would be... him, for him to love me the way he loves her. I just want someone to LOVE me for ONCE.... Just once in my life I dont want to be the one crying over someone, I dont want to be the one that falls for that person first, I dont want to fall so hard and so deep that I cant get out of it. And thats how it is with him... I've fallen so hard... I've crashed & burned. I pray to God for help and guidance, but... all there is, is a numb shell, a broken heart & soul. Drugs numb the pain, alcohol makes a smile come to my face... I need substances just to keep me alive, SERIOUSLY how pathetic is that.

And I know someone will say You have to get over him hes no good for you bla bla... He's the only man that ever actually cared for him, and maybe it was fake maybe he never really cared about me at all. But for those five years... he made me feel like it was real. And now he'll have her for those years and... Wow... Ok.. enough babbling. I'm crying now ughhhh.
I hate my birthday ha....

Love you guys


Anonymous said...

hi ame.

this blog is really strong yet it is a blow to your heart for what has happened to you for 5 years! i mean many women do get hung up on a guy, and they may seem to be the world to us. but once they hurt you, break up, use you, it is time to realize this man is not for you.

it does hurt to know now he is going to marry someone, and spend the rest of his life with her..and this is where you either could sit and let yourself live in misery or carefully but surely take one day at a time to let go, making sure to not have any contact with him.

i feel bad you have to endure such pain from this man, and hope you can just think of this as an experience instead. you gave everything you had for him, to satisfy his needs, and he had you like a puppet basically. karma will hit him when he least expects it, but at this time hope you could stay strong, take it one day at a time and just slowly let go. letting go is the hardest part in life, which many of us go through. but it eventually can work.

you deserve a better man who will love you, and will always care for you, as well as cherishing every moment with you. this man will want you for who you are and not use you, or put you to the gutter. this man will grow old will with you and be your counterpart, only if you can let go.

dont let this man keep you like a mess. you deserve such a better man ame...if he really cared for you he would have still been with you. sorry to be the one saying he is "not good for you", and yes many women care for their men at first, but once they break our hearts in any shape or need to make a move and not let it progress to how it is now.

be strong...take it not let a man drown you in misery. you deserve to be in happier state, honestly.

you are so young and have a whole life ahead of you. start living happily best you can ame. dont let time pass you by for this man. you deserve SO much better, and hope you will one day achieve a goal to be in a happier state of mind which includes a man who will love ame more than this loser.

stay positive and take it one step at a time.


oxmalignkissesxo said...

Hey thank you for your kind words, I agree but its hard. I have been with him for over 5 years, seems like ive known him forever. SO letting go is pretty difficult, which is expected. He is married, but he likes knowing that Ive only been with him and to be honest, I like that as well. I only ever wanted to be with him. Which is why I lost my virginity to him, if I didn't want to be with him forever I wouldn't have given him my most precious gift. But thats life right, some part of me hopes he can change some how... but... whatever I guess.
BTW, do i know you? you sound like one of my friends?? ^.^